Drunk Space Driving in the 21st Century (Prelude to “The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton” novel/series)

Intro/preview to “The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton” (CMFP) comic, rock space opera novel/series--from John “Sloop” Biederman, fringe famous humorist and professional idiot! (The latter thanks to his paid--aka “professional”--features sold to MAD Magazine.)

An early version of the first novel’s start finds hard-drinking, cigar-smoking Floyd Pinkerton spiraling out of control in an unknown planet’s atmosphere. Through flashbacks, readers learn that Floyd stole the spacecraft (the Blue Maiden) from his employer on Jupiter’s moon, Ganymede--running away from a broken relationship and unsatisfying life. Tailed by the Sun System Sheriff, he hurriedly executes a “jump” through space (using astrogation to travel large distances) and crashes into the Place That Should Not Be’s (his name for the planet’s) atmosphere.

(While the first novel and series are now set in an indeterminate year in the Far Future, this intro is set in the year 2091. The title of this intro/preview comes from a 1990s short story that, eventually, spurred CMFP.)

Floyd’s unable to budge the craft and, not mechanically inclined, thus stuck. Fully loaded for weeks with rations, booze and stogies, for a while he drinks, engages in shenanigans and wallows in his fate before turning on a distress beacon (praying to not attract “authority types”). He finally ventures out to explore after hearing a large “crash,” his suit outfitted with a PCAH (Personal Consumption Airlock Helmet, allowing one to drink, smoke, etc.). He finds that another spaceship has crashed to the surface, an alien-looking, banana-shaped model. Could he be the first human to encounter alien life?...

Turns out the craft was piloted by an old Earth nemesis of his, noted mooch Bob Tripeman, who claims he obtained it from an insect-like alien race, the Zzurkwins, which Floyd highly doubts. Deciding that “Cruizy Suzy” (Bob’s name for the banana-shaped ship) is the only one fixable, Bob gets to work, mooching booze and smokes while taking his sweet time and continually rehashing and exaggerating an Earth-based event back in high school where Bob “saved” Floyd’s life. (Floyd crashed a ground car into a snowy ditch and was stuck. Walking to find help, Bob picked him up and proceeded, for weeks, to milk his “saving” Floyd by bumming booze, smokes and more.)

They also share general memories of their childhoods on Earth, now an overpopulated world wherein America has been overtaken by a Jihad that simply walked in and conquered, with most U.S. citizens zombified by smart devices and even Smart Brain Chips (SBCs).

Eventually, they launch Suzy back into space, where they are soon attacked by Zzurkwins, who actually board, wanting their craft back. (Bob’s explanation of the turn of events is suspect and short on details). What’s more, a German frigate makes radio contact, wanting them both to turn themselves in! Floyd and Bob attempt to lose their pursuers by piloting an escape pod (large enough to hold most of their supplies) into a nearby asteroid belt, landing upon a large asteroid…

You’ll have to download and read it to find what happens next, but suffice it to say they’re launched into the first in a series of cosmic misadventures!

Author John “Sloop” Biederman is a fringe famous humorist whose writing career has brought publication in dozens of outlets, from “News Limericks” in the Chicago Tribune’s RedEye edition to the San Francisco Chronicle (in addition to the aforementioned MAD Magazine) and his own DailyLimerick.net--20 years of (mostly) News Limericks and humor commentary! He’s also worked as a comic and humor poet, with stage appearances from the Chicago Comedy Festival to Los Angeles’ Comedy Store.